I am about to write a post that I never expected to write. Coming to post about what the last 36 hours have been like is difficult. I just posted Christmas pictures and made a comment that the next time I say I hope everyone had a great Christmas and a Happy New Year that we would be a family of 4. Now those words are haunting me.
I have felt I guess you could say guarded or stand offish with this pregnancy. We knew we wanted more kids, but it took us or at least me awhile to emotionally be able to get to the point of ok, let's just see what happens. When I tested and found out I was pregnant I was so shocked. It took along time before we actually got pregnant with Lakelyn and then this pregnancy was ONE TIME! That's it. So while I was completely shocked and scared I knew that this baby was meant to be and God was just waiting for us to put the "ingredients" together. We decided not to tell anyone until Christmas. With Lakelyn we told our families before I was even 4 weeks and then told the world at 4 weeks before we even saw a doctor. We wanted to make this announcement special too and what better way than on Christmas. I was 8 weeks at that time and we had already seen a perfect baby with a perfect heartbeat at 140bpm at 6w5d.
Even though everyone was happy and excited and don't get me wrong I was too, but I was still guarded. It could have just been me struggling with the emotions of Lakelyn not being the only child and I'd have to share my attention. After a little more time I started to get more and more excited. I finally started to feel less scared and shocked and more excitement. I was making plans, picking out outfits, contacting newborn photographers, everything.
I had been having weird cramps and pushed it off to just the baby growing, but on Monday January 2nd I decided that night laying in bed that something felt wrong and I needed to call the next morning and let them know what was going on. So I did. The nurse was telling me that those feelings were normal, but I probably needed to slow down at work and not lift anything more than 20 pounds. After talking a little more and explaining that it just didn't seem right she scheduled me for an ultrasound and an appointment with the doctor for that Friday the 6th.
I know they probably thought I was just being a crazy person and honestly I thought so too, but I've always been told to trust your "gut" or "instincts". The next few days things were pretty good and I wasn't too worried about anything. Thursday night I started to get pretty anxious laying in bed and I was just unsure of what was going to happen. I didn't know if I should be worried or scared or fine. I thought about how this pregnancy happened again and prayed and thought I shouldn't be scared or worried that this baby was clearly meant to be and God wouldn't give us this "meant to be baby" and then take him/her away when there was definitely a purpose to be fulfilled.
The next morning when I woke up and went to the bathroom everything changed. There was a small amount of old blood. I know this can be normal so after the initial panic I tried to calm myself, but I knew deep down it wasn't good. I had to end up laying back down because I got really nauseated and kind of dizzy. Tyler was taking Lakelyn to work with him so that I didn't have to have her with me at the appointment and he had stuff to do at work and couldn't make it with me. So when he came in to let me know he was leaving I told him I didn't think it was going to be a good appointment because I started bleeding.
That was the longest drive to the doctor's office and the longest wait of my life. I held it together for the most part. Once the tech called me back she asked how I was doing and I lost it. I just couldn't pretend anymore. I explained why I was there and what was going on. I calmed down a little and I had to give a urine sample and then came back in feeling like I had a little bit of hope because it was old blood and there were not clots, no cramping, and no other signs. I laid on the table and she started the exam.
I don't know exactly how long the exam was, but it couldn't have been more than a minute or two. I guess she checked my cervix first and then she moved to my uterus and the baby. I saw the baby and he or she looked just like a gummy bear, you could see the legs and arms and body and head. I was waiting and hoping to see it move or twitch or jump, anything and it didn't. It was just still like it was floating. There was no movement or flicker of a heartbeat and within seconds of seeing the baby I said "there's no heartbeat" and looked at her and she said "i'm so sorry" and I lost it. She tried to pick up a heartbeat, but there wasn't anything. She did a quick measurement and I saw it say 8w6d and then she quickly went ahead and ended the exam and gave me some tissues and a huge, huge hug. She truly was an amazing and caring tech.
She let me get changed and went and spoke with the doctor and had them get me a room so I wouldn't have to go back to the waiting room. She came back in finished her notes and took me to the room. After a few minutes the doctor walked in and apologized and went over some stuff. I was in such disbelief that I'm not sure I retained all of what he was saying. I remember he said something about expecting to just put me on light duty at work, and that he was so sorry and heartbroken for me, that nothing I did caused this and that as terrible as it sounds its fairly common in that about 20 out of 100 women go through this, that it was simply when the sperm and egg met the miscarriage was already starting - that something just didn't form like it should have, he said we could send the baby to MUSC for testing, but he didn't believe it was necessary, we went over the options of using a pill and my body would miscarry which he didn't want me to do or we could do a d&c procedure. He explained the procedure is at the hospital and I would be put under and he would dilate the birth canal and remove everything and I would go home the same day. He knows I'm completely terrified of the hospital and any type of surgeries or procedures and said it was completely my choice. I remember just breaking down again and shaking my head saying I didn't know. He said he knows its a lot to wrap my head around and process, but he really recommended at this point in a pregnancy to do the d&c because the pill would be painful and he knew the emotional aspect would be enough to deal with. He said we could schedule it for Monday and that would give me the weekend to process what is going on and I agreed.
He got that done for me and then walked me out the side door so I wouldn't have to go back out the front and gave me a hug and said he was so sorry again and to tell Tyler he said he hates that this happened. I called Tyler in the car and told him everything, and picked Lakelyn up and we went home. I broke down at home and thankfully Lakelyn was great and just watched tv. The rest of the day was hit and miss, I was started to bleed more and more, and I did end up taking Tylenol for the headache I developed and was able to sleep for a little bit while Lakelyn napped. I did ok after I woke up until later in the evening, I broke down again and decided to try to take a warm bath to have some time to myself. I just prayed to God to help me because I didn't know what to do or how to handle this, I couldn't handle it. After I got out and sat on the bed for a bit I started to feel a little better.
Waking up this morning, I was bleeding a lot more and cramping pretty bad. Emotionally, I have done better though. Throughout the day the cramping got pretty intense and I ended up having to take some Tylenol like two 500mg pills and it was still bad. I had a lot of bleeding and clots. As gross as it sounds, I was trying to pay attention to the size of them and to see if any looked like the baby. At one point in the day the bleeding was so much I had to just sit in the tub with the handheld running water over me. This evening, the cramping and clots have seemed to ease up and its more just heavy bleeding. I will see how tomorrow goes and will be letting the doctors office know as soon as they open Monday morning to see if I still need the procedure done.
I am so grateful for everyone's support through this. Tyler was supposed to go on a paid trip for duck hunting Monday, but decided to not go and be here with me. I'm so glad he did because my anxiety of him leaving and something happening was through the roof and he knows this procedure scares the crap out of me not to mention they told me I have to be on pelvic rest for a couple days, so it would be difficult to take care of myself and Lakelyn. He has been awesome helping out and seeing if I want anything and I know he is dealing with this too.
Hopefully, things continue to just get better. I will miss this sweet baby that we never got to meet so much and I can't wait until the day I finally get to meet him or her. I loved this baby so much already and it kills me that I will never get to see who they are, the personality, the smile, the laugh, their eyes. I will only be able to wonder if they would have looked just like Lakelyn and how close they would be or how much they would fight everyday. That is what hurts. So until we meet again my sweet child, just know you were so, so loved and will be missed.
